“we only want you to avoid sex until it becomes advantageous for us.”

Friday 4 February, 2011

For anyone in their late twenties (or worse, early thirties), you know that your parents are likely well on their way to becoming insatiable baby craving machines. Ironically, they probably spent the previous decade convincing you not to have sex and now, here they are, cheering you on.

I wouldn’t be surprised if some parents have a calendar hidden away highlighting the optimal ovulating schedule of their kids, ensuring that they are aware of the appropriate nights to call and ask what you’re up to (really what they want to say is “INSEMINATE!” – potentially like some sort of demented dalek). One day they may just resort to showing up with a turkey baster and an evil grin.

Perhaps they don’t even care who you happen to be with. For my parents, any girl is the right girl for me as long as she’s fertile. Bonus points if she wants to work full time and leave the kid at home with them. They see most girls as wombs with legs at the moment.

Every time I see my parents I’m generally asked about when I’m going to get married and produce kids. When I say I can’t and they ask why, I respond with “because my kind of people can’t get married in this country and it’s biologically impossible for us to produce children”. This doesn’t placate them for long. They stopped taking me seriously when I became a vegetarian.

Unfortunately, I already know what they’re going to be like if I do finally cave and deliver them a grandchild. My sister popped (it took me five times to not write “pooped” just there) out a baby boy a little over a year ago and I could almost swear that my mother loses about 80 IQ points when he’s around. I know I’ve written before about how annoying babies can be, but to be honest, they have nothing on grandparents. Have you ever had the pleasure of hearing a woman in her late fifties squeal at the top of her lungs? I have. Every week.

Let’s keep that last little bit in context…. Otherwise it sounds remarkably unsuitable for public consumption.