untamed boners would be a great name for a band

Friday 18 March, 2011

Much of the last century has been spent advancing technology to the point where we can access the world’s information just by reaching into our pockets and pulling out our phones. And yet, what do most people do with this wonderful new technology? Find new ways to share pictures of their naughty bits, of course.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have no issues with people attempting to extend the amount of sexytime they are able to experience in any given day. The modern day man and woman may spend considerable time apart from their partner of choice and yet the involuntary pant tents and, I assume, much smaller scale bra tents, remain in an abundance. This leads to a level of innovation unseen in any other domain: how better to communicate current state of arousal.

Think about it. The first communication via telephone, Alexander Graham Bell’s “Mr Watson—Come here—I want to see you” could very easily have been “I want to see you…. naked.” The history books regularly leave out the juicier pieces. We all know just how raunchy the Renaissance got… Naked people were goddamn everywhere.

What about going further back? Were cave drawings actually an ancient form of naked MMS? After all, they are rarely of people wearing clothes.

Don’t even get me started on modern day technology. Apple’s FaceTime may as well be called GenitalTime in order to be completely accurate. Their ads may pluck the heart strings with a deaf person being able to sign to his or her deaf partner, but the more accurate picture would be the deaf person creating a circle with his index finger and thumb before slowly moving their opposing index finger in and out of the circle with increasing frequency. A devious grin would satisfactorily complete the image.

Though with all of this the potential for embarrassment is extremely high. Having your laptop examined by third parties is a little like playing Russian Roulette: one folder is set to image preview and has naughty pictures… but will it be the one they click on? Who knows? Stay tuned to our next episode of “Your friend is about to see your girlfriend naked.”

But all of this is for the greater good. Just think about how the world would be with more sexually frustrated people roaming the lands. It would be impossible to purchase any bottled or canned goods in a supermarket as their labels would have been almost instantly removed, road rage would erupt due to the catatonic state of many drivers, and bed sheets would need to be changed each morning. I, quite frankly, am not ready for the extra burden introduced from too many untamed boners.