perhaps i should get a job at a women’s magazine

Friday 1 April, 2011

I have this annoying habit of attempting to explain everything. The simple reason is that I don’t like inexplicable situations. As a result, I have a lot of half-arsed theories which are the result of trying to put structure around unstructured problems. The real danger is when I start to wax philosophical about topics like romantic relationships.

I like to take the piss a lot; it’s true. I don’t think I can go a full 5 minutes without making fun of someone or something, but every now and again I like to take a moment and talk about a serious topic. This isn’t a huge set up for an unsurprisingly juvenile joke. Honest.

I’m not about to write a post giving love advice, because anyone who knows me would liken that to beggar providing financial advice to an investment banker. What I will do, however, is give you my theory on what I think makes for a successful relationship. In my mind there are three things: common interests, common values, and the intangible spark.

Common interests is the most obvious one. To have a long term relationship be successful you need to be able to talk to and do things (not just each other) with your partner. Whether this is music, movies, books, sport, or whatever, it doesn’t really matter… If you don’t have common interests you end up being those couples who sit at restaurants and don’t say a word to each other… or just being fuck buddies – which is fine if that’s what you’re going for but it doesn’t fit into the “successful relationship” definition and I will therefore regard it as a relationship failure.

Common values is a tiny bit harder to explain… This is where life outlook, morals, and religion end up. I think you can actually go a long way without common values, but it will ultimately result in an irreconcilable difference. Think about it: if your partner wants kids and you don’t then you’ll probably be fine for a few years, but ultimately someone needs to make a very hard decision.

Finally, there’s the hardest one of all to explain: the intangible spark. This is what separates a romantic relationship from a strong friendship. This is the little flutter you get when you hold hands… or that ache you get when you miss them… or perhaps it’s just that pants-splitting erection. Regardless, you know when you have it and it can be heartbreaking when you don’t. Or when it goes away.

I’m not claiming this is a fool-proof theory. I have socialised it with quite a few people over the years and I generally get nods of approval, but inevitably someone will drive a truck through it for one reason or another. If people have experience contrary to this then I am keen to hear it.

Anyway, next week I’ll get back to boners, cats, and poop. I promise.